Water Lilies: Chapter Sixteen

Disclaimer:  the lyrics for "Do What You Have To Do" is the property of Sarah McLachlan and Nettwerk/Arista Records. 

Chapter Sixteen: A Mission of Love

Ami sighed, staring down at the book in her hands without seeing the words. It had been three weeks since she returned from Otari Village with Makoto. Sitting in the living room, she attempted to read the novel she started a week ago. I wonder what Makoto is doing now? Is she sleeping well? Probably. I'm the only one who had her heart broken for the millionth time. An exhausted feeling swept through her and she sighed again; she had not slept well at all upon returning home. Each night had passed with very few hours of fitful sleep.

Her days at work were not any better; she barely made it through the hours and avoided all efforts made by Yuri to talk outside of work. She was well aware of the concerned looks the young woman kept shooting her way. She did not think she could go through a conversation about her listless manner or an absent Makoto, no matter how well-intentioned Yuri wanted to be.

I did say we were two adults simply enjoying each other's company. Stupid of me really-it was not that simple after all.

She stood up to put away the book and her elbow jammed a few CDs she left on the lower shelf to be organized. One case clattered to the floor and she hoped it wasn't broken. Bending to pick it up, she noticed it was an album she had not listened to for a long time. It was an old album, one she really loved. On the cover the artist sat backwards in a chair, her eyes closed, a dreamy look on her face. Ami had first discovered the Canadian artist when one of her songs played during a movie she watched while in her last year of living in Tokyo.

The woman's voice had resonated within her, and Ami wanted more. She sat through the credits of the movie hoping to catch the name and the moment she had a day off she went to the nearest music store in hopes of finding something, anything by the artist. Luck was with her and she found two albums. She knew her faith in this new artist had been well placed the moment she went home and played both back to back. This woman knew all about love and heartbreak and each beautifully crooned word made Ami think of Makoto.

It has been so long. On a whim she turned towards her CD player, placed the disk gently on the tray and hit the play button. The first track of Surfacing began, the lush, rich tones of Sarah Mclachlan's voice slinking forth from the speakers to fill the room.

A bittersweet smile graced her face as she sat on the floor, arms around folded knees and listened but it wasn't until the middle of the fifth track did she start to cry. The words struck a chord within her but never as deep and sharp as they did now.

"A glowing ember
Burning hot
Burning slow
Deep within I'm shaken by the violence
Of existing for only you

I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do
I know I can't be with you
I do what I have to do

And I have sense to recognize but
I don't know how to let you go"

The words sung echoed in her heart, they were the truth she had admitted to herself time and time again. Thirteen years of being in love with Makoto had proven she had no idea how to fall out of love with the woman. But it was time she tried.

They had been driving for thirty minutes without a word. After the first five, Ami turned the radio on unable to deal with the tense silence. She did not care what was playing on the radio as long as it filled the awkward void in her suddenly too small car. She kept her eyes on the road, the music no more than a hum compared to the whiplash speed of her thoughts. Her attempts to pretend Makoto was not in the vehicle with her were verging on pointless. The brunette had a presence the doctor could not simply ignore no matter how much she tried.

For those thirty minutes Makoto had simply looked out the window, her face unreadable. The brunette's chin was propped up in her arm which rested on the door of the vehicle. In Ami's periphery she observed when the woman sat up straighter, her hands coming together to rest on her lap for a few minutes. When she had turned the radio off then Ami turned to look at her.

"Ami," the usual huskiness was deeper, "I'm very sorry for my behavior. I think I need to explain something."

Ami had not trusted herself to speak and so she simply nodded, hoping that would suffice.

"First-I really enjoyed spending time with you," Makoto paused, brushing her hair back. It seemed to Ami as if the woman was carefully considering her next words.

If Makoto had spoken that line earlier that morning or even yesterday Ami would have been thrilled. As it were now, she merely waited for the 'but' that hung in the air and really, truly was not surprised when it came.

"A family came into the restaurant earlier. You didn't see them because your back was to the door but to me-" Here Makoto stopped as if she found it necessary to steel herself before speaking again. "-it was like looking straight into my past." Her eyes were plaintive, Ami saw, begging for the doctor to understand and Ami could but she also wanted to explain to Makoto that a painful past did not necessarily mean a painful future.

"Your family-" the smaller woman began hesitantly, only to be interrupted.

"I can't do this, Ami...it was fun while it lasted but I think we should stop."

They were passing through a desolate patch of land and Ami thought rather negatively, 'Just like my life'. Shaking her head, one other thought occurred to Ami then and she asked it before she lost her nerve. "Do you regret it, Makoto? Did you regret being with me?" To her credit, her voice came out stronger than she anticipated.

Taking her eyes off the road, Ami glanced at the brunette only to see Makoto's lips tighten. Her features were stony and Ami could suddenly see the wall Usagi had mentioned all those years ago. Ami felt something tear inside at the idea of Makoto erecting a barrier to keep her out. Did the brunette really think it was necessary to take that step?

Did Makoto even consider them friends at this point?

To keep herself from breaking down Ami said softly, "You did not really explain anything. We're not children, you and I. I'll listen to whatever it is you have to say." Silence greeted her words and Ami assumed Makoto had no intention of speaking when the woman began to talk.

"I've told you about my father leaving and how my mother fell apart. All my life I've tried my best not to do the same thing my mother did. I've seen how love is messy, and gets easily out of hand. And I've struggled my damnedest to avoid the kind of life that will make me hurt. I can't do it."

In Ami's current state of mind, the words twisted, morphed into something else and all she heard was, 'I can't be with you.' Her eyes watered and she blinked furiously to clear them away. She felt a headache pounding in her head and did her best to focus on driving. She did not want to think of anything else.

Silence overtook the shared space of the car for the rest of the way. When they arrived in Yukikura, Makoto immediately packed up her remaining things. Ami noticed the brunette took care not to touch her at any point. She was already craving Makoto's caresses. All she wanted was for the woman to take her in her arms again but the only thing Makoto offered was a few words that left her colder than ever.

"I'm not sure when I'll be back again. I'm sorry."

"Now you're just wallowing." Hana stood in the doorway, her salt and pepper eyebrows arched sternly although her eyes were kind.

Ami smiled bitterly. The older woman was right, of course. She wiped the tears away as Hana stepped into the room; walking over to where Ami sat the old woman joined her on the floor. The week after Makoto departed, Ami had spilled the entire story, omitting certain parts of course, to her grandmother who offered comfort by listening attentively.

Mulling it over now, Hana decided it was time she offered her opinion on the whole matter. "Why was Makoto so adamant about not wanting a relationship? Especially if she did not feel a thing for you?"

Ami's eyes widened at the question. "What do you mean, grandma Hana?"

"Makoto would not run if there were no feelings involved, child."

"No. No, that couldn't be true." But once pointed out, Ami could see the logic in the sentence. A small hope bloomed within her as reasoning unfolded itself. Did that mean by Makoto's own actions the brunette had inadvertently shown her true feelings? Amazement grew on Ami's face as she considered the idea. She glanced at Hana who stared back at her with a small smile. She opened her mouth to deny the possibility again, disbelief rudely shoving aside the idea that Makoto would even have feelings for her. For years she had wanted the woman to return her feelings to no avail. Why would that change now?

Hana's next words surprised her. "You should go to her. After all, you have something to say too, don't you? I think it's time you took a trip to Tokyo."

-x-x-x-

"She did what!" Usagi screeched, jumping up from the couch. "I'm going to kill that woman!"

"Usagi!" Ami gasped in alarm at the blonde's words.

Mamoru entered the living room looking more than a little exasperated. "Usako! Chibi-usa is finally asleep. Please keep it down."

Usagi, looking properly chastised, stepped towards her husband and stood on her tiptoes to place a kiss on his cheek. "Sorry, Mamo-chan."

Mamoru gave a long-suffering sigh but when he smiled down at his wife Ami could see he was still as smitten with Usagi as the day he met her. Indeed she was quite happy to see these two remained blissfully in love. If anything, the arrival of their daughter had cemented an already solid and lasting relationship.

"Anyway darling, Ami and I are going out to see a certain someone," she hugged him, and he returned the affectionate gesture.

Peering at Ami over Usagi's head he smiled kindly. "Makoto?" he asked and Usagi confirmed with an 'mmhmm' into his chest.

"Don't wait up, it might get ugly," Usagi said, and Mamoru rolled his eyes at the thought of his five-foot two-inches wife facing a five-foot eight-inch Makoto with murderous intent.

"Yes dear." He kissed her hair and released her. "Please be careful. You too, Ami."

Ami almost teared up at the scene and turned away instead to examine the living room. Usagi loved photographs and everywhere Ami looked she could see proof of the happy family living in this house. Mamoru and Usagi had gotten married immediately after graduating university. For the first three years they lived in a small apartment together until they both decided they wanted a house. Usagi had been thrilled with the lovely western-styled home Mamoru happened upon while visiting a friend in Azabu Juban.

Ami had visited the house a total of two times but found her way there easily when she stepped off the train and lost whatever nerve she mustered in order to see Makoto. One name popped into her head, and the blonde had answered immediately when Ami dialed her number.

Upon learning Ami was in Tokyo, Usagi's only words were, "You're coming over for dinner. I'm not taking no for an answer."

Now Ami sat five feet away from the couple, dinner an hour behind them. She had promised Usagi she would explain her impromptu trip after dinner not wanting to mention any unhappiness. Dinner with her friends and their precocious daughter had been a lively affair which Ami thoroughly enjoyed but after relaying her tale to Usagi she found the dread at the thought of seeing Makoto again creeping back in. She followed the blonde to the hallway.

"Usagi," Ami began, "perhaps now is not the best time to go see Mako-"

"Nonsense!" Usagi exclaimed as she picked up her car keys. "Now would be the best time, she'll be at home and not expecting company at this hour."

"But-"

"But nothing!" Usagi spun around and grabbed Ami by the biceps. "This is the woman you love. Your grandmother is right. It's time you told Mako how you really feel. I know she's an idiot but she'll come around." She released Ami's arms then opened the door.

"Let's go. This is a mission for love!"

Ami sighed in resignation as she followed the blonde woman out the door. But a small smile grew on her face; this was the same Usagi she had known in university. It was gratifying to know the blonde would always remain the same.